i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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