I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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