He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
