Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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