Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
