Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
