How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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