My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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