that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
