I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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