We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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