Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
