I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
