Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
