I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
there is glitter all over my balls
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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