im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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