Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
