what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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