I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
