were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
