A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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