I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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