I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
