Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
