Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you guys were way drunker than both of me
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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