please come you make the beer taste better
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
