apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
