i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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