one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
