Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
