Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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