i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
