My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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