Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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