i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
