She is in my trunk
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I can't put those talents on a resume
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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