I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The uberlube is also flammable
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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