So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
