You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm too high and old for this...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
