You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
