I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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