Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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