new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
