im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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