I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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