Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
