God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
