Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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