and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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