Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
