Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
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Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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