there's paper in my vomit.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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