you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
