your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
