I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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