Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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